I was blessed to be welcomed in to a secret book swap. I’m going to show you everything I got in my package, but first I want to tell you about one of the books I received and how it helped me learn how to deal with difficult people.
Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links.
The Kindness Challenge by Shaunti Feldhahn was the best part of my package. I had this book on my wish list because I am a big fan of the author. We have Shaunti’s other books For Women Only and For Men Only on our Audible app and have listened to them multiple times. Audible really works well for books that Brian and I want to read together: we can each listen to a chapter on our own time and then discuss it together.
Anyway, the kindness book arrived at a time when I was dealing with some difficult things socially. There were a few different people I was seeing regularly that were really stressing me out. I am the type of person that over analyzes everything people say to me, especially since I became a mother. I want people to like me, and I try my best to use my words carefully so as to never hurt anyone’s feelings. When I do mess up and realize I hurt someone, I’m quick to make amends.
As such, it’s hard for me to relate to people who DON’T use their words carefully and don’t seem to care how they make others feel. I understand it’s usually just a personality difference, but that doesn’t change the anxiety that I feel when I have to be around someone who has a just-don’t-care attitude. I have never really learned how to deal with difficult people directly, I usually just tried to avoid them. I was looking for a way to relieve those stressful interactions. Could this new book help? I wondered…
The premise of The Kindness Challenge is to show kindness to others despite their behavior, and watch the change that occurs in them as a result. Does that mean we act like doormats and don’t stand up for ourselves? No. Shaunti is very clear that kindness does not mean always passive, nor does it mean enabling bad behaviors. If you are struggling with someone particularly pushy or disrespectful towards you, I would suggest also reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud for more guidance in that area. But Shaunti does describes in detail what kindness looks like in difficult circumstances and she gives examples of how to balance that with firmness.
Then, she goes on to share her thought-provoking findings about how your kindness might cause positive change in the lives of those on the receiving end. Like all of Shaunti’s books, she doesn’t just give her opinions but shares real stories of how she has seen this play out. She suggests trying the kindness challenge on spouses, in-laws, co-workers, or anyone else you find yourself struggling with.
I decided to give it a go. I picked one difficult person at a time and made a point to be especially kind to him or her. I forced myself to ignore my anxiety and doubt about our relationship, and pressed forward with kindness. This sometimes just meant smiling and saying hello, despite an unwelcoming vibe from the other person. Other times it was a gesture of offering a hot drink, or sharing a snack. One really effective strategy was to remember something the person mentioned such as a sick relative’s name, or an exciting event coming up, and then ask them about it later. My advances in this area were not always warmly received, but I trusted the process and determined to continue trying.
Over time, something did change. It wasn’t necessarily that the people became nicer. Some people are just never going to greet you with a big smile, or even a small one. However, I found that my feelings were definitely changing. I didn’t dread those interactions anymore. I didn’t see it as an insult if the person was gruff with me. I began to feel a lot more empathy, probably in part because as I got to know these people better I learned about the struggles they were facing and what might be contributing to their behavior. I discovered it was true what they say – it wasn’t about me at all! They were not sitting around thinking, how can I really hurt that Jena girl today!? In reality, they probably never even realized there was an issue, because there wasn’t one on their end.
If any of this sounds like how you sometimes feel about your interactions with others, I’d encourage you to read the book. It says a lot more, of course, then I can share here. If you’re local to me, you can borrow my copy! This would be one to buy eventually, in my opinion, because I can see referring back to it again and again to remind me how to deal with those difficult people.
If you’re curious about the book swap I joined, here’s the complete unboxing.
The other book I received was The Bluebird and The Sparrow by Janette Oke. I have not made time to read it yet, but I enjoy all of Janette’s books so I’m sure this will be no different.